Un Stuck

Procrastination's search for Paradise

My Eulogy – Originally written in 2003 March 13, 2013

It is always interesting to read something you wrote ten years ago.  When I came across this I knew this would be another dose of self realization.  Something we face and accept and in this case smile at.  Alhamdulilah, I am a Muslim.    This was written for one of my college courses.    We were to write the eulogy that we would want for ourselves and write a short reflection.  I share it exactly how it was originally written, except for my name which is edited for privacy.

My Eulogy
Luci**** ******* K*******, Luci.  A child of God whom we have lost to some great purpose of God’s.  We grieve because she was our mother, our wife, our sister, our friend, our teacher, our loved one.  She did not leave this world untouched.  Instead, she left if with a bountiful amount of love and laughter.  We remember her because of how special her interactions were with every single person she met.  We remember her because of her undying faith in God, that we could see in everything she did.  We could even say we remember her because of her undying sense of being “right” all the time.  We remember he because of her creative impact on every situation no matter how light or serious.  We remember her way of touching others, of touching everyone she could, touching their hearts in a way that impacted the way we think and live.  Touching our hearts in such a way that we will remember her forever.  So live, laugh, and love as she would, and as she would want us to.

Right now in my life, I really don’t know where I am headed.  I am scared.  I do think I will fulfill most of this eulogy if not all.  One of my main goals is to be living the life God wants for me, be a wife and a mother.  The live, laugh, love thing is what others would say.  I think people would also remember how I interacted with people an touched their hearts.  Everyone who has ever met me would remember how I interacted with people and touched their hearts.  Everyone who has ever met me would remember the laughter I share with the world.

hijabified shadow on the snow

hijabified shadow on the snow

Present day reflection…
My, oh my!  I was planning as if I knew my life would be long.   I hope I have a better concept now of the fact that we have no guarantee to live a “full life”.  What is a full life anyways?  Wait a minute, I take that back!  We each live a full life, no matter when we die.   Allah created us to live a specific term in this life and we do not know what that is.  Anyways, the next very interesting thing I noticed is that I mention God many times, but never once do I mention Jesus as God.  I had already began questioning at that point.  Subonallah.  I see that I had almost too much confidence and self esteem, but looking back I feel I didn’t have that much self esteem.  I wouldn’t say I lack confidence or self esteem now but I am not as optimistic as then and the shape of my self esteem has changed.   The desire to be a wife and a mother and to teach others has not changed.  Alhamdulilah, I am a wife.  Insha Allah I will be a mother some day and teach my children.   I am proud that I have always had in my mind that I needed to live a life pleasing to God.  Masha Allah.  I know I wrote this in college but, I see how Allah cultivated me from very early on.  The whole “live, laugh love” thing is kinda cliche now, and to be honest, I know that’s not the reality of life now.  As much as we may want it to be or think it is,  its not.  Maybe in paradise it is.  I shall end with this…  I do share my laughter and my tears with the world.


what used to be March 6, 2013

I remember

Gail and I leaving just in time for you to be born
Your genuine soft heart
Your friendly smile
Your Salams, greetings to everyone
Watching you and her play
Your Takbir

Walking with you and playing in the hallway while your mama labored
Sitting on my lap during jummah
Watching you learn and grow, when you started to crawl
You pointing to show me the flower on your dress
Your sweet smiles and laughter
Your silly ways

Rollerblading with you down the street
Being greeted and tackled
Having a little sister
Your stories
You helping me and grandma, your special ability to calm your sister
Going to Tawfiq
Special treats
Seeing you be an example to the other kids at the mosque
Finding you wearing my clothes

Fiks classes
Being cupped
Helping me in my quest for a husband
Your Sambusa
Your support as I stopped medications
Giving dawah with you
Your stories
Your constant generosity
Clinics and hospitals

Your gratefulness
Your enjoyment of simple things
Your excitement to see me, every time
Sock reminders
Hair binder reminders
Learning organizational skills
Your signature thumb greetings
Your backrubs

Cooking with you
Seeing you pray
Doing dishes with you
Being motivated by your hard work
Your advice
Your stories
Your motherly affection and care
You adopting me

I remember all of you

I remember
Special treats after iftar
3 years of itikaf
SSKAH  (sisters seeking knowledge at home)
Spending time in the van
My first Eid prayer
Going to the zoo

I remember it all

I remember

{this post is dedicated to my muslim family, who I met the first evening of my first Ramadan}



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